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Binging at the Buffet

November 28th, 2013

rainbow+birthday+food+and+desserts

Saturday night we went out to my sister-in-laws birthday dinner.

Chinese restaurant, buffet style – all you can eat. HEAPS of amazing seafood, ‘make your own’ stirfries, lots of fresh healthy stuff and also a TON of deep-fried and highly questionable gluggy stuff.

And the dessert area?

Mini cakes and floury-sugary things galore. Monster chocolate fountain. With the works. Marshmellows and dipping sticks. Sprinkles. Massive turreens of smarties and lollies including mint leaves. Have you even seen mint leaves since the 1980’s?! I don’t think I haven’t! I had to have them! And I did – 2 of them.

After my stirfry with vegetables and a second plate with some beef curry and a little rice.

And that was it, enough, I was full.

I know – boring blog post with no point, right?

Except.

It wasn’t so long ago, I would have found it hard to impossible to focus on the conversation at the dinner.

I would have felt a magnetic and to be honest uncontrollable pull to just – CONSUME.

Spring rolls.

Dumplings.

More.

A LOT.

And as my defences and good intentions fell I would have started in on the unidentifiable gluggy stuff.

Trying to hide to the rest of the table how much I was eating.

Eventually, possibly, going to the bathroom and throwing up. Then gorging on desserts. Or possibly waiting until I got home, eating MORE even there, and then making the bathroom trip.

Disgusted at myself, but unable to stop? Why? I still don’t really know why I battled this stuff for 10+ years. I know it has a lot to do with alignment and being true to myself, and understanding what my real reasons are for wanting to be in shape; also learning that I’m not identified by how I look.

But all that aside it was just plain and simple a disgusting habit that made me feel awful inside and out.

And it’s a habit that too many women still struggle with.

Perhaps, you’re one of them.

Perhaps, you have this secret.

People look at you and think ‘fit!’ and ‘healthy!’ and ‘successful!’ and ‘has it all together!’

But you, you’re falling apart.

You’re so ashamed.

And you have no freaking idea how to stop and it makes you so ANGRY. And so FRUSTRATED. And most of all so damn sad. Because you know you’re missing out on so much and you hate being so bound, you hate feeling like you have no control when control is so important to you; even a big part of how you define yourself but in this area?

It’s like you’re on a derailed train speeding down a hill. The breaks are gone. You’re terrified. But you. just. can’t. let go.

And if this is you, I want to tell you something that I hope gives YOU hope.

For over a decade I was certain I wouldn’t break free.

Even when I managed NOT to binge, it was hanging over me; drawing me in – I felt that the longer I went without it the greater the rebound would be, and usually that was the case.

If I did manage to go to a big dinner and NOT overeat it was an incredible battle of will-power, exhausting.

But on Saturday night?

I felt none of that.

And it was actually really really weird. To be walking around all this food and remembering what it had always been like for me before, and just observing that there was zero desire to eat anything except my healthy stirfry and a couple of mint leaves for old times sakes.

It was SO strange. I honestly never thought I’d get to this point. It’s been a couple of years now since I’ve been completely free, and each time I’m in one of ‘those’ situations I observe myself in the same way and to be perfectly frank it makes me want to cry. That something as simple and meaningless to most people as ‘only’ eating a stirfry for dinner and a little taste of dessert could make me happy. That I no longer need to gorge myself, that I no longer have that unstoppable pull. That finally – FINALLY – my relationship with food and my body really is one that makes me feel proud of myself.

So if right now you feel that it’s impossible, that you’ll NEVER get there, that there’s something inherently wrong with you? I felt all of that. I believed it down to my very soul.

And it wasn’t true for me.

And it’s NOT true for you.

You can break free.

You can have a GREAT relationship with food and your body.

I don’t know what journey you’ve yet to go through, but here’s where you start: CHOOSE to believe it’s possible for you. CHOOSE to believe it doesn’t have to take a long time. And choose to believe you deserve it.

Cause you do.

Remember –

Life is Now. Press Play.

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